I was happy in my new world. But there was one thing disturbing my inner peace again and again and I had to solve it as soon as possible:
Tell my parents that I married an Indian Sadhu and that I had actually just built a house in the Himalayas, planning to live there permanently.
WOW, THIS WAS QUITE A MISSION!
The reason that I had told them as few details as possible so far about my situation was mainly that I did not want to cause any unnecessary worries.Things and stories of everyday’s life here in India can sound pretty shocking to someone who has never put a foot on these grounds and my parents had never even gone out of Europe. To explain alone the definition of a Sadhu would have taken hours and would probably even then be pretty much misunderstood.
I figured my mother would most likely exclaim something like:
“Oh my god, you are in a sect! And you got brain-washed!”
By the time she was getting unavoidably more and more worried and asked awkward questions when we talked on the phone. She kept on wondering when my temporary craze and passion for India would finally be over, which didn’t make things much easier to handle.
My plan was to wait for my next visit to Europe to tell the long and eventful story face to face. I wanted to be there in person to answer all the questions, to hug them and to show them that I was still the same daughter; the same one who grew up in Germany and who had been working in an office in Spain, only that now I had decided to take a step into a completely different direction.
But the situation turned more and more delicate and stressful for both sides. There were several months left before my return to Europe and eventually, I could not bear any longer the tension and half-truths and so I decided to write a long e-mail explaining everything that had happened as well and clear as possible. It was still better and easier than trying to explain it by phone. It would give my mother time to reread and digest the news before we would talk again on the phone.
Still, as you can imagine, the shock was big and unleashed a painful drama which lasted for several days. My mother was asking herself what she had done wrong while raising me, she sure did a good job, there is no doubt. And me, on one hand I felt guilty and bad for having caused so much trouble and pain to people I loved, but on the other hand I also felt better and incredibly relieved.
NO MORE SECRETS !
As time passed, eventually there was understanding and acceptance – and peace.
When I think about life, sometimes everything seems absurd. But if I look closer it actually all makes sense:
I cannot find myself and be happy if I live my life up to other peoples’ expectations. I still have no idea about what my mission is in this existence. The only thing I know for sure is that I am here to learn. Life is a chain of decisions and events, which in the end lead you to where you ought to be and turn you into the person you really are.
If my social surroundings wouldn’t have insisted on me to drop the kindergarten job I had started, I would never have studied languages. If I wouldn’t have studied Spanish, I would never have moved to Barcelona, where I got that stressful office job which pushed me to the decision to practice yoga; and without yoga, I would probably never have traveled to India.
For now, that’s all I know and I am looking forward to discover how the chain of life will continue to unfold itself.